An English Major Reviews Porn

Here's a little sample. Some have said that I should write a novel of erotica in this style.

"I especially enjoyed the way his semen, like the dewey richness of a morning's first brief coating, became as a rivulet of a great crystalline waterfall cascading down her chapped and scarlet legs. Lo! Did I think of my very own quickening when, wide-eyed, I gawked at his steely member, like a steamy london train barreling into the station right on time, did part her dark flower. Much like a conquistador traveling to a new land to discover new riches; to rape and pillage and spread the smallpox, much in this way did he introduce this fair and unsuspecting maiden to the darkest parts of her soul and anus. Like Napolean, he saw, he conquered, he came. As his mighty man-torrent reverberated against her rose colored cheek; as each droplet burned a white-hot phosphorescence in my mind as it fell, unwanted and unloved, to the ground, I did see the face of God! "

(no subject)

Dear Mr. Splenda,

You're a fucking idiot. First you ask me what a snickerdoodle latte is. Then you fucking ruin it by added splenda to it before you sip it. You stupid cunt. You're going to miss all that's cool about life. I hope you enjoy your large, $5 latte that is now ruined by splenda. Because 3 oz of syrup isn't enough for you. Asshole.

The Punisher

Have I ever mentioned that I love Frank Castle?

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

In that same comic, a guy shoots at him with a speargat underwater and he catches the spear and beats the guy up with it. Under water.

I just made a wikipedia article under "Shooting people in the face." All it is is this picture under the header Shooting People In the Face. The body of the article is "Shooting people in the face. Frank Castle does it."

Comeuppance for the little man (or how I got less screwed by Meineke than they wanted)

Comeuppance! COMEUPPANCE I SAY! So, here's the skinny:

My check engine light comes on and so I decide to take the ol' Green Hornet in to Meineke for their free diagnostic. Turns out I need a new catalytic converter. Then the scam starts and it goes something like this:

"Now, this is a bit of a weird catalytic converter, it'sa bolt right on the dash one" [verbatim] "We got one for ya though, parts and labor will run ya about $670. You git that done at the dealership, it'll be more like $1,100"

Now, for once in my life, I was actually happy that I didn't have enough to cover it. I told him flat out that I didn't have that cash, I'd have to come back. I'm trying to figure out how the hell I'm going to get the money for this, which has to be done for me to pass inspection, which is due before the end of the month, when I come home and start some interweb searching. Come to find out I can get a catalytic converter for a Protege for like $300. Even better, I can go to the FUCKING DEALERSHIP and get an honest to god MAZDA brand catalytic converter for $300. So I call the guy back ask how much labor is if I get my own converter.... $145.

Still with me? Still able to do grade school math? Good. Meineke 0 Me 1.

Now, something Garrett said made me think. He told me to get the old catalytic converter back from them when I got the service done. Turns out, those fuckers are so expensive because they have Platinum in them. When I bring this up to Jim Bo Bob at Meineke, he tells me, no shit:

"We can't give them back to customers. It's an OSHA law [why the Occupational Safety and Health Administration has to do with it, I don't know]. We got to keep 'em, there's a guy who comes around and picks 'em up"

I'm pretty good at gauging emotions and this motherfucker was nervous and lying. So, I go ahead and get the work done, but it doesn't really settle with me right.

Hmm... well played Meineke guy. Though I am scratching my head wondering why OSHA has anything to do with it, you have, in the meantime, won this round due to my ignorance.

Meineke 1 Me 1

I ask a friend who works at Tire Kingdom and she says they give the parts back. So, I call Meineke's Corporate office and they tell me that the EPA [Environmental Protection Agency] has a rule that they have to keep it for 15 days, but after that, it is mine.

So I call this dipshit back, who informs me that the "scrap metal guy" has already come by and picked it up. Reeeaaally? After informing him that this is an EPA violation and asking what exactly he's going to do about it, he tells me I can do whatever I want and hangs up on me. OOOO boy, well, I did what I wanted; which was call up that Corporate Office, tell them everything that happened, and tell them if it isn't right, my next call is to the Better Business Bureau.

30 minutes later, jim bo bob is calling me and telling me he tracked down my converter and will have it back in 2 weeks.

Eat it! Meineke 1 Me 2

Don't let people fuck with you, especially mechanics. FUCK BACK!!!!!!!!!

Stephen Colbert, 2008

In case you somehow possibly missed it (I know some didn't bother to actually watch the colbert report after the daily show announcement last night), Stephen Colbert is running for president in South Carolina. I'm being totally serious here. Now listen, I know a lot people in South Carolina and, if you aren't one yourself (I'm looking at you Lizzy), I'm sure you know someone who does. At the very least, this is a chance to show that 18-24 year olds, the demographic that votes the least, can actually make a big statement. Get the word out. I want everyone from Charleston to Clemson voting here. Do your part. PAHLEASE!

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Holy Fucking Assraping Jesus Faggot Christ

I think I'm going to burst with unholy Atheist rage.

Right next to my cafe, literally, as in, we share a fucking wall, an abomination is opening shortly. It is called Get Healthy! And yes, the exclaimation point is part of the name of the store. It is a health food store. That's not the problem. I love health food stores. Matt works at GNC; that's grand.

This is the problem. The company that owns it is called Hallelujah Acres. Oh yes. "Teaching Healthy Living from a Biblical Perspective." Holy kosher pork, batman. These batshit crazy-ass motherfuckers seriously try to get people to eat "as we were intended to in the garden of eden" which I can only assume means naked.

Now, please, bask in the glory that is their website:

Please do. You'll find out "how to drop the "grave-digging fork" and get healthy for life."

These people truly believe that god gives us the ability to heal all wounds and that the original fall of eden is the source of all our sicknesses. (Don't ask them why, even under their program, death is still 100% certain.)

"...when we take care of God’s creation (our physical bodies) as God intended, the potential for not being sick, or dying young, will be greatly increased!" Holy shit, you mean if I'm healthy, I won't get sick?!? Wait a minute, what about when I get cancer on your program?

They even have "Lifestyle centers" where I'm sure you're given a high colonic and indoctrination. The website is super-sketchy and all I can really glean from the people coming and going is that it is a lot of whole foods, juicing, and no meat, etc. I'm really curious, because I want to see if I can get honey and lamb since they are pretty heavily presented in the bible. I really just want to catch them in their bullshit. The shit that works works because science has told you so and I guarantee it isn't because of how the animal's hoof is shaped.

Anna asked what their stance on apples is. I assume they are ok as long as you juice the evil out. Also, she wonders if the food is "free, like in eden." Hmm, good point. I'll have to ask...

Anyway, I think I need pork for dinner. Lots and lots of fucking pork. And I think I'm going to watch it while I sprinkle holy water on my cock and use it as a lubricant while I watch donkey/midget porn while taking the lord's name in vain.

Rant #2: Heliocentrisim where Helio=you

Ok kids, new day, new rant. This one is less specific to an actual event and more a generality on some things I've seen recently. This post is about selfish-centrism. Off the top of my head, I can think of so many people that are so concerned with themselves, it is sickening.

The irony is that most of them are really concerned about what other people think of themselves. One person, upon me telling them a joke that they found to be in bad taste, proclaimed it to be unoriginal, that they'd heard it before, and thusly not funny. No, you haven't heard it before. The real issue was that they found it unfunny and rather than rely on their opinion, they offset it to something more easily defendable - that they'd heard it before. But also, because you're the center of the universe, anything you deem unfunny must irrevocably be unfunny.

Some of them, I think, develop this as a defense mechanism. You're afraid that what you are isn't good enough, so you retreat into a place in your head where you are all that is. If you are all that is important, you can deal with your constant perceived failings. And what results is someone who truly believes they are the only cool kids around. You end up with the person that defends everything like it is a personal attack and usually from the standpoint that they are correct no matter what. But at the same time, anyone with any insight knows that this person is constantly looking in the mirror for their own imperfections.

I think too many people see the world in a self-centric perspective. It is easy to believe that everything revolves around you when you're standing still. Too many people don't step outside of their own perceptions and belief strata to realize what other people realize, find funny, think, etc. The world is bigger than you and your preferences.

And I don't think the internet is helping this in the least. People are both marginalized by their myspace profiles and at the same time, uplifted into perceived stereotypes by them. To quote almighty Chuck, I am more than my friends list, music preference, and marital status. But I'm not sure if other people know that they are. I've met someone who was interesting and intelligent and had great conversation skills that stopped talking to me cold turkey because I had the gall to laugh at her endless sub-genre categorization of music. I'm sorry that I thought Post-Rock had vocals because Sigur Ros is considered to be post-rock and they sing. Oh my god, get over yourself. I later came to believe that her knowledge of the insane x-core heraldry of music was probably her only way to be better than everyone else and thus, very important to her pysche.

I think that if you convince yourself that you're cool, not only will you believe it but, eventually, you'll start treating everyone else as less-than. And I think the more you become self-centered, the more you are defined by the increasingly small outward descriptors of your preferences. If you're reading this and you fear it might be about you, read about existentialism and gain some fucking perspective. This post is already too long and yet, I don't think I've hit on exactly what I set out to say. Oh well, maybe more later. I'll work on something positive for the next one, I think

Oh my fucking god, why do people have to be so fucking stupid

Ok, see. I was having a nice day; pleasant really. I'm at the cafe and we're really slow. I'm really hard up for money this week and need some tips in that bowl, but I figure that if we're going to be slow, we're going to be slow, and I should enjoy it. Read the interwebs and my book, enjoy a nice cup of coffee, etc.

So, why does my day have to be ruined by dumb cunts? In a mere 5 minutes or so, I went from pleasant to pissed. First, an obviously oblivious teenage girl comes in and doesn't know what she wants. "I've had a vanilla latte before, what's a caramel macchiato?" I then tell her that is it basically a vanilla latte with caramel, to which she replies that she'll have one.

Now, let me stop right here and ask you something. Say you're in a coffeeshop and you're the only one there. There's only one guy working there. When you order something, he goes to make it. In the process of making it, you hear this really loud, swishing/sucking noise. You've no doubt heard it before in other cafes and in movies and on tv. I think that if you are living in America in 2007, you should be able to recognize the sound of milk being steamed when you're in a cafe. What does steamed milk mean? Well, at the very least, it means milk is going to be hot. Hmm... hot milk.... And yet, what does this walking abortion-that-got-away say to me when I bring her drink to her? "Oh, I wanted that iced"

They always do this to me, these barely pubescent trophy-wife-consumers-in-training and it is always with that drink. And they always say "Opp, I meant iced. Can you just add ice to it?" in their utter ignorance. Yes, I could add ice to it. And where I hate you enough for you to drink a water-down concoction of crap, I value myself and my work more than that, so no, I have to make you an ICED latte now and pour this down the drain.

And of course, no tip. That is, after her credit card crashes my computer. But the icing on the cake wasn't until the customer that came right after her. A man in a chef's coat with a woman in tow. I chit-chat a bit and he says he works in a restaurant across town (I'd asked if he worked at Hickory Tavern or Sticky Fingers because we give them discounts. I've started this conversation by trying to save him money, keep that in mind).

2 coffee's, a muffin, and some cake. No problem, 10 seconds flat, here's your shit. Now, I'd have been fine if he didn't leave me a tip. I'm usually a bit surprised when waitresses and those that work at restaurants don't tip me as most of us believe in tip kharma, but what does this asshat do? On the credit slip, in the tip area, he puts "N/A".

N/A? N fucking A? Not Applicable? You fucking asshole.

It is one thing if you don't want to spare 50 fucking cents, but you just effectively told me that someone like me receiving a tip isn't even conceivable. That it doesn't apply to me. N/A is something you put in a form asking your wife's middle name when you've never been married. Not applicable? You know what's not fucking applicable? Your cheap, smug ass working in a restaurant. Fuck you, fuck your woman, get the fuck out of my store. I hope you get dysentery while your hemroids flair up.

Sorry, but I felt the need to vent. Anyone who's worked as a waiter, etc, I think would feel the same way. Most of the people I know take care of their own. And don't bring your ignorance anywhere with you. If you don't know what something is, ask me, I'll inform you. Cafe's and lattes aren't new inventions. And if you didn't know, coffee is hot. When you order something and it doesn't have 'Iced' in front of it, you'll probably get it hot. And stop going to starbucks. They are evil and are confusing you.

Sometimes I just don't get it

I've always known that it is impossible to let someone in without giving them the power to crush you, but does it have to happen every time? Can no one be trusted with the fragility of my emotions without having to crush them? Can they never be appreciated for what they are and not shattered the moment they are finally given?

This is mostly musings from a 13 hour shift of sleepyness, anxiety and too much coffee, but still, it's pretty true. Maybe I just need to take a nap.