December 24th, 2007

(no subject)

Dear Mr. Splenda,

You're a fucking idiot. First you ask me what a snickerdoodle latte is. Then you fucking ruin it by added splenda to it before you sip it. You stupid cunt. You're going to miss all that's cool about life. I hope you enjoy your large, $5 latte that is now ruined by splenda. Because 3 oz of syrup isn't enough for you. Asshole.

An English Major Reviews Porn

Here's a little sample. Some have said that I should write a novel of erotica in this style.

"I especially enjoyed the way his semen, like the dewey richness of a morning's first brief coating, became as a rivulet of a great crystalline waterfall cascading down her chapped and scarlet legs. Lo! Did I think of my very own quickening when, wide-eyed, I gawked at his steely member, like a steamy london train barreling into the station right on time, did part her dark flower. Much like a conquistador traveling to a new land to discover new riches; to rape and pillage and spread the smallpox, much in this way did he introduce this fair and unsuspecting maiden to the darkest parts of her soul and anus. Like Napolean, he saw, he conquered, he came. As his mighty man-torrent reverberated against her rose colored cheek; as each droplet burned a white-hot phosphorescence in my mind as it fell, unwanted and unloved, to the ground, I did see the face of God! "