Parthymon (parthymon) wrote,

Holy Fucking Assraping Jesus Faggot Christ

I think I'm going to burst with unholy Atheist rage.

Right next to my cafe, literally, as in, we share a fucking wall, an abomination is opening shortly. It is called Get Healthy! And yes, the exclaimation point is part of the name of the store. It is a health food store. That's not the problem. I love health food stores. Matt works at GNC; that's grand.

This is the problem. The company that owns it is called Hallelujah Acres. Oh yes. "Teaching Healthy Living from a Biblical Perspective." Holy kosher pork, batman. These batshit crazy-ass motherfuckers seriously try to get people to eat "as we were intended to in the garden of eden" which I can only assume means naked.

Now, please, bask in the glory that is their website:

Please do. You'll find out "how to drop the "grave-digging fork" and get healthy for life."

These people truly believe that god gives us the ability to heal all wounds and that the original fall of eden is the source of all our sicknesses. (Don't ask them why, even under their program, death is still 100% certain.)

"...when we take care of God’s creation (our physical bodies) as God intended, the potential for not being sick, or dying young, will be greatly increased!" Holy shit, you mean if I'm healthy, I won't get sick?!? Wait a minute, what about when I get cancer on your program?

They even have "Lifestyle centers" where I'm sure you're given a high colonic and indoctrination. The website is super-sketchy and all I can really glean from the people coming and going is that it is a lot of whole foods, juicing, and no meat, etc. I'm really curious, because I want to see if I can get honey and lamb since they are pretty heavily presented in the bible. I really just want to catch them in their bullshit. The shit that works works because science has told you so and I guarantee it isn't because of how the animal's hoof is shaped.

Anna asked what their stance on apples is. I assume they are ok as long as you juice the evil out. Also, she wonders if the food is "free, like in eden." Hmm, good point. I'll have to ask...

Anyway, I think I need pork for dinner. Lots and lots of fucking pork. And I think I'm going to watch it while I sprinkle holy water on my cock and use it as a lubricant while I watch donkey/midget porn while taking the lord's name in vain.
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